starting over

on new years eve and following many days after, i had a miscarriage. i was only six weeks, it was still hard to go through, since that had never happened before with me. the hardest part was telling the IPs. but the main thing is we will all move on and start over. i hope to get back on schedule soon and have another successful IVF resulting in a postive pregnancy. There is no rhyme or reason why it happened; we are all trying to stay positive and move on with continued faith.

i was ecstatic to see the result "pregnant" this past Wednesday night; but i was all by myself and unable to tell anyone the news. i waited till brian got home and told him i tested positive. he is so supportive of this decision i am doing, so i wanted him to know as soon as possible.
on friday i told the intended parents via a beautiful smilebox message with a small note attached. they must have been able to see it quite quickly, since i received an email shortly back afterwards. they were happy beyond words could describe and we're thrilled to hear this news around Christmastime.
i have an appointment tuesday morning to get some bloodwork done per the intended parents contract and for record purposes for the state of Delaware. i am planning on having a home birth; my fourth one! i have located a midwife in Dover and i can't wait to meet her and talk about this situation i am in with my intended parents for their baby.
God does provide and i just got to keep my faith in Him. I look forward to going on this journey with them and when the baby arrives I have a deep hope to stay in contact through certain ways. This baby is a part of me, always will be, you can't remove that fact. But, I am willing to give up raising this child, because the intended parents have every right of being a parent as much as I do. I have already been abundantly blessed with three children~ I want to share that joy with those without a fruitful womb. I think God would want us to do this. He would want us to LOVE on another is this fashion. If I was in their situation, I would hope there was someone out there in this world willing to help me out.
this truly is going to be a unique experience, even if i do this again in the future; there will be none like the first.
i pray now for my health and safety in their baby's development; peace from all anxiety; comfort any sickness or pain i may come across; and most of all wisdom of how to tell others of why i am being a surrogate carrier for a set of intended parents.

the very different, not easily taken road

do you remember that poem by Robert Frost: "The Road Not Taken"? i quickly had to re-read to update myself, last time i read it probably was in ninth grade; odd how you can recall a lesson like that. well, today i feel like there should have been a third road even!
today Brian and i will partake in an IVF of where I will become a surrogate mother, so that i will be carrying a child for a couple we met who live in Pennsylvania. we will go through another IVF tomorrow as well. hopefully this procedure will only have to occur these times and that it is successful. if i do in fact become pregnant, their child will be due around the end of August 2011.
i have an array of emotions filling my mind: excitement for them, nervousness that all goes well, bewilderment of this whole situation, awe of God's hand in all of this.
God has blessed Brian and I with three beautiful, amazing, smart, happy, darling children. This couple we met deserve to have a child like that. With Brian and I it was so easy to make children without a hitch, how saddening it is to know many people don't have the same luck.
there is a reason i have felt a calling to do this. there is a reason we met them. there is a reason, this child is to born on Earth and that they are the parents. God placed that calling on me. God planned our meeting. God will create this child.

Surrogacy: My new journey

In my young twenties, I can recall conversations I had with my sister of how we dreamed of being surrogate carriers for couples who needed help having children. I have never forgotten that dream, it just was set aside for the season in my own life to make my children first. About a month ago, somehow I came upon this thought that the season in my life to be a surrogate carrier is now. I did some research on this topic, read on legal issues, talked about it with Brian, and mostly prayed about it with God.

Earlier this month, we all traveled up to Pennsylvania and met a wonderful, Christian couple that needs the assistance of a surrogate carrier. We had dinner together and talked for over 5 hours. We have come to the conclusion, that I will indeed help them in this area. I hope to be a wonderful carrier for them and help them fulfill their dream of having their own precious baby.

Many emotions are already swarming my mind, but mostly, I feel excited for them. This is something new and different to me, but if this is a good experience, I can see myself doing this at least one or two more times.
As I pray to God and read His word, I can feel His reassurance and guidance. He will keep me safe, comforted, and in His arms.

Ecclesiastes 11:5
"Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things."

Literature to Consider

Over the past years I have refered to several books on homebirth, here are listed the ones that are worthwhile to dwelve into:

• "Pushed", by Jennifer Block
• "Your Best Birth", by Ricki Lake
• "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", by Ina May Gaskin
• "Hello Baby", by Jenny Overend
• "Birth at Home", Sheila Kitzinger

Also, it may good for you to watch "The business of being born", a documentary made by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein.

Here is also a list of good websites to consider:

• www.birthstories.com
• www.americanpregnancy.org
• www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrgASvJmMds
• www.midwife.org/find
• www.birthlove.cyclzone.com

Research and Prepare

When I was six months pregnant with my first child, I had lost hope with my doctors. I truly felt like a file chart, that was actually seen by four different ObGyn's, and still had to see two more. I just literally gave up and said to my husband, "Let's do some internet searching on homebirth." The statement turned into a research project, one that was more interesting than doing one in high school or college. We found two midwives that were considered local in NE Ohio, both were respectively over an hour away. The first midwife we saw was nice, but we didn't really connect with her, and you need that so we went to the next midwife on our list. Amazingly, she was all that we were hoping for! Pam Kolanz lives in Chagrin Falls, a little bit of a drive, but every appointment was well worth it. Normally at a doctors office you wait 40-45 minutes and see the him for 5-10 minutes. It was total opposite here with Pam! Some meetings could go well for an hour and a half~ you lose track of time with her, and it seemed like she didn't mind at all.
Meetings with my midwife helped smooth out any questions we had, checking on the baby, talking about my nutrition, my state of health, ---you name it we went over it! In combination with seeing my midwife, I also read a lot of books out there about homebirth, did even more extensive research on the internet, and talked with other women out there who have given birth naturally (meaning no drugs whatsoever and birthing your baby vaginally).
I really felt prepared with all that I read about, baby shower was over and done with, had my birth kit all set up in the bedroom, then just anxiously awaiting for the baby to arrive....(I was like this for all three). Waiting, waiting, waiting...
Oh! Today is the day---call Pam---inform everybody the baby is coming. Are we ready? Am I?! You can prepare yourself as much as you want, but I still felt nervous and anxious for each birth. I questioned myself, Can I do this? I know I can, I've done it before...but, it might be different this time. Then, after each birth, as I sat there holding my newborn babe, contentment powerfully swarmed over me. I let out a huge sigh, it's over now, the baby is in my arms.